You're Here, Why Not Now?

My first blog post. This should be interesting. Hi, everyone! If you're reading this first post you are likely my friend or my family. To my friends: what you read here won't surprise you. To my family (with exception of my parents): what you read here may surprise you. My language might offend you. But hey, as my incredible therapist tells me, "I want to be authentic with you, so you can be authentic with me." That's what connects us the end of the day. Authenticity. Vulnerability. Blah blah blah, you know the hit words, but it IS true. So that's where I want to start. How this blog came to be, and where I ultimately want it to go.

I am 29 years old. I have an entire blog I could write about being in your late twenties as a female, but I'll save it for a cold and rainy day to throw fuel on your fire of seasonal depression. I have spent my entire adult career working in corporate jobs. Desk jobs. Something I am really good at - clerical work. Organizing. Spreadsheets. Emails. Sales. Purchasing. The list goes on. I thought I enjoyed this work because this is something I have always been good at. But that's the key... I've only ever enjoyed doing things I am good at. I've always been scared to branch out (hey look, another blog post topic). I'm a creature of habit and fuck it, so are you. It's in our nature.

Then last summer a traumatic event shook our family. I lost my stepdaughter. She was involved in a shooting in downtown Tulsa, Oklahoma in the middle of the night just one week after her 18th birthday. Typing this actually causes me deep anxiety. Remembering waking up to that call to come to the hospital at 3am makes me sweat and it makes me physically ill. She may have had me saved in her phone as "mom," but she wasn't just a daughter to me. She was my friend. I certainly intend to use this blog for processing grief, amongst many other subjects, when the days hit me. Those blogs may not be the times that make us laugh, but they WILL be the posts that connect us through vulnerability. So for the sake of THIS specific post, I will leave my train of thought at that.

That loss happened 7 months ago today. I've aged 10 years. It has been a catalyst for my life as I know it and ultimately the reason I am here typing this today. I returned to work and I no longer had the capacity for it. I woke up. I didn't like my work, I was just good at it. I almost downright hated it. But what I did not hate, was my community of coworkers. People. I loved my vendors, my internal customers, my peers. I loved making people laugh. I used it more than ever as a distraction from processing my own grief for months until things at home were close to bursting at the seams. I threw myself into my "work," and James threw himself into his. We were drinking nearly every day. Stressed from unaddressed grief, stressed from work, stressed with finances. Fighting almost daily. Around 4 months ago I said, "fuck this." I cannot do it anymore. I cannot continue the stress of a job I don't have capacity for and the stressors at home. One of them has got to go. And so the job went.

Things at home started to improve, as I was able to sit with and process my grief. I had more capacity for James and his stressors. I started using CBD as a daily anxiety treatment. We started seeing my badass therapist together and he started seeing her individually. I got a job at the gym I love. My mental health did a 180, and I was able to take some time to decide what I wanted to pursue with my life. All the things I love to learn about, love to do... require me going back to school for many years and a hefty price. Fuck that. Words like, "nutrition," "health," "therapy," running through my mind on the daily... and after all my research I thought, "what about a health and wellness coach." BAM. That's it. This is my ticket to continued education in a field I genuinely enjoy learning about, at a reasonable cost, AND I get to help people achieve their goals.

If you know me from work and you are reading this, I bet you're not surprised that this is what I landed on. A couple years ago I put together a list of things to do to boost your mental health and take care of yourself during a time when Serenity was really struggling. I hung it on her bedroom wall and filled her room with post it notes reminding her to drink water, reminding her she was loved, etc. I sent that same list of mental health reminders to my coworkers. The only thing I miss from my job is reminding people that your work can be so much more enjoyable when people take care of each other and genuinely care for one another's well-being.

After making the decision to pursue Health and Wellness Coaching and choosing a program that will allow me to sit for the National Board exam, I felt inspired. Like I finally found something to be excited for. First and foremost, I get to learn about something that already peaks my interest, and with any luck - I'll get to help others apply that to their own lives in a down to earth, relatable way. No wu-wu bullshit, but I'll totally get into your horoscope with you if you want. You know what I mean.

So here we are. My "brand," if you will. Earthbound. Not in a celestial way. I'm the most realistic hippie you'll ever meet. In a way that says, "Hey. You're here on Earth. For now. Me too. You don't like something about your life. What are we gonna do about it?" I did not like something about my life. It took a traumatizing life event for me to pursue a change, but you know what - it shouldn't fucking have to. Maybe you have a goal and you don't know what steps to take to reach it, I hope I can help with that. Maybe you're me, and you DON'T have a goal but something is missing. Something is lacking. Let's identify that goal, and THEN let's reach it together.

I mean... you're here. Why not now?