Just Exist

Here's a thought.

I was flipping through my brainstorm book (a notebook I bought in January 2023 for brain dumps), and found a page that said, "When something feels like 'work,' I stop pursuing it." This was in regard to things I did not consider, "work," such as writing, reading, cooking, etc. Further down the page I write, "How can I keep excitement and motivation when tasks are not associated with my 'survival?'" A couple lines down from this I made a note, "Having too much time to think."

So I sat down with my pen on the back patio, found a blank page, and without prompting myself I just wrote the first words that came to mind. I wrote, "Just exist," followed by, "Focus on my goals and just exist."

"Not everything is so deep."

"Not everything happens for a reason."

"Just one day at a time, no analyzing."

"No more intentional growth for a while."

"Just exist."

I kept re-reading the last two lines to myself. I flipped to a clean page and wrote, "Who am I...?" I had no idea what to say about myself to myself so I just started jotting down things as they popped up in my mind.

"Sunshine."

"Heat."

"Dario Cecchini."

"Water."

"People."

"Home."

"The color green." "Cartoons."

"Activity."

"Penny."

"Writing."

"Travel."

"Friends."

"Movies."

"Family."

Then I re-read that list over and over and suddenly I was writing out, "We would not define ourselves by the things that have happened in our lives or the things we have done, so why are we so hung up on this?" I answered my own question by saying, "Because our actions are how we're perceived by others." Then rebutted my own statement (yes, it does make me feel a little crazy to converse with myself but here we are) by saying, "But past actions cannot be changed, only future actions. This is all we should need to know about ourselves is that we would handle something differently today. Therefore, past actions and opinions of others are not applicable."

I ended my own brain dump with, "I do not define myself by my grief, depression, or decisions I have made in the past. So why do I allow these things to consume so much of my time?" Well, in line with my theory from some time last year, I believe I have a little "too much time to think."

We put in a lot of work, when do we get to enjoy it? I am talking about the work we do on ourselves. When do we get to take a vacation and just exist? I am ready for my vacation. The one where I just exist, where I enjoy the little things that make me who I am and not the events that forced me to get there.

I am ready to no longer view this website, blog, and business as, "work," and to see it again as my hobby. It has always been my therapeutic outlet. I am ready to take a break from my own growth and sit with it for a while, to focus on some of my other goals in its place. Similar to sketch comedy, not everything has to be deep and intentional. And although it is hard not to search for reason and meaning for the events that happen in our lives, not every day exists with a higher purpose.

Maybe the days where we simply exist, are the days we actually find the most joy?

And in a shocking turn of events... maybe each day does hold purpose in this way?

One could say that the days where we "just exist..." are, in fact, our very own sketch comedies.